cfts - emergency stop all processes

     cfts [ - ] cklnsvy [ dummy ] [ secs ] [ reason ]

     cfts  brings the system  to a complete halt within four seconds
     of the command being issued at the rooted(c) console, or by any
     serial  terminal  logged  in  under  the `games' account.   Any
     background  tasks,  daemons,  aengels,  spraites,  nyemphs  and
     maenads  are  terminated brutally and with no regard to whether
     they were  just about to  close  the  file  that  they had been
     writing to.  Any accounts logged in when this command is issued
     will be in a dubious  state  when  the system is  reshoed,  and
     unless the  rooted(c)  filesystem has  either an even number of
     bytes free  or  a  number that is  divisible by  the sum of the
     digits  in the  date  and time when the command is issued,  the
     filesystem will be completely munged  and the drive controllers
     will be  issued with a command that invariably drives the heads
     into the platters with a sound like Freddy Krueger scratching a
     blackboard.  This  command  requires  rooted(c) access,  or the
     knowledge that  you can break out of the `games' account's menu
     by typing control-p three times rapidly.   The command can then
     be issued from the `games' account's YEAH_SO_WHAT_NOW_SMARTARSE


     s    The argument after  the next argument specifies the number
          of seconds  until the event is to take place.  This allows
          the  support  staff to  get clear of the system,  bolt the
          door  and  take  the  phone  off  the hook.   The argument
          directly after this  is a dummy argument, usually `-1'; if
          it is greater than 3, a message will be sent to all users,
          either  wishing them  a happy birthday  or  asking them if
          they have any albums by  Gary Clail,  depending on whether
          the argument is odd or even.   Any responses to the latter
          will  be  appended  to  the  file  Gary_Clail_Responses in

     k    klunk  option.   This  crashes  the  session  and does not
          actually  issue  the  cfts  system  call,  so that you can
          impress  the  girls  with  your bravery by daring to issue
          this  command  safely  with no more damage than locking up
          the system console, requiring a system reshoe.

     c    This prevents the  appearance of the  `Are you really sure
          that you want to do this? prompt.

     y    This  prevents  the  appearance  of  the  `Are you really,
          really sure that you want to do this? prompt.

     l    This  prevents  the  appearance  of  the  `Look,  I'm  not
          convinced  that  you  should be playing with this command,
          you know.' prompt.

     n    Notify.   This  requires  the  inclusion of a 63-character
          alphanumeric  string  which  will  be  displayed  on every
          serial  terminal with  a currently active session and will
          be  printed continuously  on all system printers until the
          filesystem  dies  (usually about  thirty seconds after the
          command is issued, depending on processor speed).  It must
          be used  in conjunction with the s option,  and  therefore
          must  be preceeded by the `seconds' and `dummy' arguments,
          otherwise  we'd have to modify the code to  check how many
          arguments  you  issued with the command,  and  whenever we
          tried to incorporate that feature in the code, it wouldn't
          compile properly.

     v    Verbose mode.  If  this  option is absent, you will see no
          response to the command after the rooted(c) `%-) ' command
          line  prompt  returns,  until  the  command actually takes
          effect.  If present, you will see a whole stream of clever
          messages  on  the  rooted(c) console to the effect of `Ooh
          Aah,  you've  done  it  now'  and `Guess who's going to be
          looking   for  a  job  next  Monday,  eh?  :->'.   Hoever,
          inclusion of this option  does ensure that the command log
          file  kept  in  ho_hum/what_the_hell_happened  is  trashed
          before anything else,  ensuring that no-one will ever know
          that it was you who did it, unless you are silly enough to
          get drunk at an office party and brag about it.


     to Completely F**k The System:

          %-) cfts vns 4 5 that's what you get for not giving me~
                           that payrise!

              this will activate the verbose option, will notify the
              users  that  the  system  will  be unavailable in five
              seconds  (with  the  indicated message),  and will ask
              them if they have any Gary Clail albums.


 /uselss/der/ttbowl/GaryClailResponses  Usually empty,  as not many
                                        people can think that fast.

 /ho_hum/what_the_hell_happened         System command log. Contains
                                        every   single  embarrassing
                                        thing  you ever typed on the
                                        system  console,  from  your
                                        stupid attempts to break out
                                        of the `Cosmic Ballcrushers'
                                        game    you    inadvertently
                                        started, to the archives you
                                        made  of  those stories from
                                that you
                                        got  when the manager wasn't

 /important/really_important            this  file  doesn't have any
                                        function, but no other penix
                                        command  mentions it, and as
                                        it   takes  up  almost  four
                                        megabytes,  we  thought that
                                        we   should  mention  it  at
                                        least once.

     crp(1), bollx(1), stuffio(2), banan(5), drump(8), clrump(8),
     flrump(3), doobrie(9), ftang(65534), pong(2), brap(12),


     Sometimes, the klunk option doesn't work.

     If the command is issued on a Tuesday or a Thursday, there is a
     twenty-one   percent  probability  that  the  verbose  option's
     trashing  of the /ho_hum/what_the_hell_happened system log will
     be incomplete, leaving the last three lines intact.

     The n option can be slow.

     There  is  no  way  selectively to follow symbolic links.  Then
     again,  there  never is,  really, so I don't know why we bother
     mentioning it.

     If  you  enter  more than sixty-three characters for the notify
     message,  your console screen will explode and pepper your face
     with nasty little glass splinters.

Sunburne Computer, Inc. 9 October 1991

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Mike Arnautov (23 December 2016)