The Dead Crow Sketch

(with apologies to Monty Python)

User: Hello, Ms?
Advisor: What do you mean, Ms?
User: I'm sorry I have a cold. I wish to register a BUG.
Advisor: Yes, well we're just closing for some routine emergency disk maintenance.
User: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to register a bug, to do with this Crow, which you sold me, not half an hour ago.
Advisor: Ah yes, the MiCrowVax3. BEAUTIFUL syntax. What's wrong with it?
User: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's crashed, that's what's wrong with it.
Advisor: No, no, it's just pining for DEC...
User: Pining for DEC? What kind of talk is that? This Crow is dead.
Advisor: It's not dead, it's er, waiting for input.
User: Waiting for input? Then why did it go "Interrupt ignored" when I hit <Ctrl-C>?
Advisor: The MiCrowVax likes ignoring things. BEAUTIFUL syntax.
User: The syntax don't enter into it. It's demised. But O.K., if it's waiting for input, we'd better give it some. HELLO, CROW! WAKE UP CROW! I'VE GOT A NICE PROGRAM FOR YOU TO RUN IF YOU WAKE UP. <Ctrl-C> <Ctrl-C> <Ctrl-C> <Ctrl-Z> <Ctrl-Z>.

Now, *that's* what I call a dead Crow.

Advisor: No, it's spending some time swapped out. You caused it to swap out, just as it was about to tell you something.
User: Swapped out? Look here, sonny. When I tried this Crow earlier you told me that its inactivity was owing to its being tired and shagged out after doing some stuff for the Molecular Graphics department. Later you assured me that its total lack of response was because Alan Casson had just been using the terminal. When I got it home I discovered that the only reason it was displaying the words "Connected to UKA0V01, GGR GREENFORD MICRO-VAX A, PLEASE LOGIN" was that they had been daubed on my screen with chalk.
Advisor: Ah yes well you see, if we hadn't done that, it would have produced *screenfuls* of stuff, VOOMPH, just like that, and you'd have missed the VAX banner entirely.
User: Look here, this Crow wouldn't VOOMPH if you wired it in to a Cray II. See? This Crow is crashed; it's dead; bereft of life, it waits for a crash dump. Its VMS is deceased. It is no more. It has gone to meet its vendor. This is an ex-Crow.
Advisor: Well I'd better replace it then.
User: If you want the CSD to do anything these days you have to complain until you're blue in the face!
Advisor: Er, I just looked. We're clean out of Crows. I've got an 8700..
User: Does it do anything useful?
Advisor: Not really. It's a DEC product...

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Mike Arnautov (23 December 2016)