Programming Languages characterised
From the December 1991 issue of Developer's insight...
[written by a Pascal-lover, methinks (ed.)]
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem
to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes
it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This
guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find
themselves in such dilemmas.
- You shoot yourself in the foot.
- You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself
and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency
assistance is impossible since you can't tell which
are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others
and saying, "That's me, over there."
- You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat.
If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because
you have no exception-handling ability.
- After realizing that you can't accomplish anything in this
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
- USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE, THEN
return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace
needs to be retied.
- You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...
- Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol. On big systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
- Foot in yourself shoot.
- You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day
figuring out how to do in fewer characters.
- The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
- If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
- You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
- Put the first bullet of the gun into the left of leg of
you. Answer the result.
- You spend days writing a a UIL description of you foot, the
trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on
the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around
to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
- Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot
yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
- Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users
- You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon
as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
- You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so
much fun doing it that you don't care.
- You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't
allow it to explain.
- You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document
explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later,
your foot comes back deep-fried.