Real Programmers and other IT types

Or the most Learned and Useful Compendium of Signs and Portents
by which an attentive Reader may learn to recognise and distinguish

Real Programmers
Real Users
Real Computer Scientists
Real Software Engineers

Real Programmers

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object code.

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Mars bars, yorkies and stuff.

Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Real Programmers don't write spec's -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they can get.

Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the feebs who can't do the systems programming. Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies.

Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.

Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

Real Programmers dont work 9 to 5. If any programmers are around at 9am its because they were up all night.

Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programers don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them ?

Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for the compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained; they wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.

Real Programmers dont bring brown bag lunches. If a vending machine doesnt sell it, they dont eat it. Vending machines dont sell quiche.

Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterates form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look how much good it did them.

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Real Users

Real users are afraid they'll break the machine - but they're never afraid to break your face.

Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

Real Users know your home telephone number.

Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

Real Users never use the help key.

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Real Computer Scientists

Real Computer Scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.

Real Computer Scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O.

Real Computer Scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.

Real Computer Scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in anything less portable than a 2B pencil.

Real Computer Scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with "programming systems", but these are so high-level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately precision is for applications.)

Real Computer Scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything that homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.

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Real Software Engineers

Real Software Engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except a Correctness Verification Aid Package.

Real Software Engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers you know no-one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit, except that they need eight megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid Packages.

Real Software Engineers work from nine to five, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.

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Mike Arnautov (23 December 2016)